As we approach the end of the semester, what might have begun as a steady-paced bicycle ride now may feel like riding one continuous rising hill. Dr. Brené Brown, a PhD Licensed Clinical Social Worker and self-proclaimed professional storyteller, has some techniques for showing up in our life in a way that feels real and freeing, rather than feeling like we need to tuck ourselves into a neat little box, afraid to be who and what we are. The three principles that follow are at the core of her published works and Ted talks; I hope they will make you feel a little more empowered to bring your whole self to the places you live, work, and lead.
1) You are enough (you are not what you do).
This point is at the heart of Brené’s work. Brené writes that we are hard-wired for connection, emphasizing that it is our most basic human need to connect. She defines connection as “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from relationship.” ( Brown, Gifts of Imperfection)
Over the course of her research, Dr. Brown found that to feel true connection, we must find ways to claim and find our own sense of worthiness or “enoughness.” The keys are believing we are worthy of it, being vulnerable even when we don’t know the outcome, and learning to be shame resilient. Also key to her research is the notion that being enough is different from having enough, or doing enough. We can practice the skill of being enough when we question how much we are equating who we are with what we have or what we produce.
Practice: What are a few ways you can define your worthiness outside of what you do or produce? (Hard isn’t it? Think about qualities of self rather than products).
2) Vulnerability is courage.
Dr. Brown’s research defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” (Brown, Daring Greatly) She is quick to explain that vulnerability is not weakness. Rather, it is those moments when we go through intensely emotional experiences and continue on that we find our deepest courage. Think of moments in your own life when you encouraged your child even though you were afraid they might fail, when you got the scary diagnosis and continued to work and parent, when you admitted that your job was not going well.
Vulnerability isn’t letting it all hang out like we might see on daytime TV. Vulnerability does require a risk to admit that we feel something, and to let others know that we are feeling it. It is always courageous, which Brené defines as “speaking one’s mind by telling one’s heart.” (Brown, Daring Greatly) When I work with kids, I spend time helping them to feel their feelings - not avoid them, fix them, or pretend them away. Often, when we let ourselves name what is actually going on, we can figure out how to manage it and move through it with more clarity and peace.
Practice: What is one way you were courageous today, if courageous means you felt vulnerable?
3) Shame gets in the way.
Brené’s work focuses on connection, vulnerability, and shame. She claims animatedly in her TED talk on shame, “you gotta dance with the one that brung you.” She explains that she has learned about connection and worthiness the most from times when she couldn’t find it. Shame keeps us from the love and connection we want and need. Brené writes that the shame song has two main refrains - “I am not enough” and “Who do you think you are?” (Brown, Gifts of Imperfection)
She makes an important distinction between shame and guilt. Guilt is a helpful emotion that can help us realize we did something wrong, and motivate us towards different action in the future. Shame is an “intensely painful experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of connection.” Shame is that gremlin voice telling you that if only you were (fill in the blank) enough, you would be worthy of connection. Dr. Brown’s research said it shows up most for women as the need to do everything, and make it effortless. For men, it creeps up around being seen as weak or a failure.
We can start to recognize our own shame triggers, and those of our loved ones, and help stop them in their tracks. Often it helps to ask what the story we/they are telling themselves is, and if it is true or helpful. We can also exercise self-compassion, and say the kind words we might say to a friend to ourselves. Shame wants us to keep our vulnerable stories in the dark, but it is only when they are brought into the light that we can really understand them and make meaning and purpose of them together.
Practice: Think about a phrase or kind words you have said to someone you love who is struggling. Write this down on a post-it note and take it out the next time you are feeling “not enough.”
Further Resources:
Brené Brown TED Talks: